Door of Hope

She asked me if I was afraid.   As the word…NO….came out of my mouth my mind swam around with the question………..

Am I Afraid ?

How can we face what we are afraid of if we don’t know IF we are afraid, or WHY we are afraid?

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Am I Afraid ?

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I’ve been in “robot mode” for so long that I can’t remember how to feel, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to become or where it went wrong.

I can clearly remember meeting my father for lunch in 1999 to tell him that I had decided to get a divorce (#1).  He sat across the table from me at our favorite German restaurant and asked me what I wanted to eat. I had stared at the menu long enough – this was not rocket science but my brain could not form a decision.  My eyes overflowed with tears as I said to him…..”I Don’t Know”.

I don’t cry often and when I have an episode like that I have a hard time shutting the tears off.  They just flow and drip uncontrollably and I am helpless. He waited patiently and held my hand – he knew what was going on then.  I had not driven 2 hours for Sauerbraten!  I did compose myself and got a cheeseburger (the best in Texas – it is a shame the restaurant is no longer in business). Dad helped me decide on an apartment, helped me move – helped me a whole lot.

Somewhere between the Cinderella fantasy and the realities of life (two divorces) I have closed my heart.

I want to stop hiding.

I want to start living.

I need a breakthrough.

And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt. Hosea 2:15

 To be continued……..